This was first written as a brain dump just after new year 2022 as I couldn’t sleep. I re-read and updated it in March 2022 and then left it until now. I have had an urge to write again and was reminded about this draft. Which I have tweaked but left as is was in March 2022. Also yes, it is still painful to think about but more bearable now.
My heart is breaking for families I don’t know. Is this a symptom of parenthood? Or a symptom of being close to losing a child and seeing your near loss in everyone else’s experience whether similar or not?
My boy at 5 weeks old was struggling to breath due to RSV/bronchiolitis and was on a ventilator. I think in a way I have blocked out the nearly died part. Originally at 3 weeks old as he was admitted to hospital for a week after getting a simple cold and struggling to breath one night. He was on a little oxygen and we mainly stayed in for a week as he was so little and they wanted to be extra careful as his oxygen saturation levels would dip when he slept. I thought that was horrible.
We were home and all seemed normal and we could get on with our new lives, yay! A week later he started coughing a bit again and as he had just gotten over the previous cold that landed him in hospital we took him to the GP, probably a little sooner then we would have had we not had that experience just over a week before. He was so strong even as a new born. He is not in the usual at risk category at all. We took him to the GP on the Tuesday thinking the previous cold just had gotten a little worse again. GP suggested we pop to hospital just in case as he was so little and he had just been in hospital. He was admitted to hospital again that Tuesday and this time he tested positive for RSV. The Thursday morning after a night of no sleep, as through the night different measures had kept needing to be put in place (oxygen prongs instead of a mask, high-flo machine and cannulas, plus a feeding tube) we were told he needed to be intubated and put on a ventilator and taken to a paediatric intensive care unit. Seriously WTF this is a cold.
The morning I was told this devastating but still unreal news, I then had to tell my husband who hadn’t been aware of all the measures that had gone on through the night as I wanted to let him sleep, never really thinking a cold could get so bad. Even after it was all over the idea that he could have died just didn’t occur to me in a way – it was a cold.
I remember after the first hospital visit we had been struggling a little with a new born and a 2 year old. It was hard. We made a lot of jokes and comments about “why did we have another one” and I felt so much guilt over those silly throw away comments. As we were in the ICU waiting to be airlifted to a paediatric unit it hit me – I didn’t even know him yet. He was still so new, still getting used to life on the outside and we were still adjusting to being a family of 4. No one had anytime to get used to each other and I didn’t even know who my son was yet. And then he nearly died.
He is nearly 8 months old now. And he is big!! His 6-9 month clothes are too small and the 9-12 month clothes fit a little too well. He is strong and he smiles ever so sweetly and he is so loved. His sister adores him (mostly) as does anyone who meets him. He has such a bright light.
The reason I ended up writing this when in all honesty I never planned on this being a blog? I heard some news about a young man dying suddenly which inexplicably hit me really hard and my heart just felt like it was breaking. It broke for people I don’t really know and it broke again remembering and realising my near loss. I knew I coped with my sons’ hospitalisations too well at the time. I knew it would hit me at some point and I remember when I first wrote this, I couldn’t stop crying. I wrote all of this in the middle of the night while my babies slept soundly, and my husband was snoring away.
I am so so grateful that my son has the chance to grow up and I can’t wait to see who he will become. I cannot imagine what pain a parent goes through when I child dies for any reason, I hope I never have to find out.
Aspiring Writer 